


Kaiidth

by spockside



Series: Rihannsu [3]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Altered Mental States, Consensual Violence, Episode Related, F/M, Interspecies, Rough Sex, Vulcan Culture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-11
Updated: 2012-04-30
Packaged: 2017-11-03 10:51:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/380583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spockside/pseuds/spockside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock and his betrothed finally reach Vulcan to seek treatment for Spock's trellium poisoning, and to make arrangements for their marriage ceremony.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All characters and settings are the property of their respective copyright holders. As far as the author is aware, this work is not based on, adapted, copied, or derived from any other work in any medium.

Tanafau woke to the sound of weeping. Not her own; it was the man standing at the viewport in the next room, which she could see from the bed. She rose and padded over to him, not touching, entering his peripheral vision so she wouldn't startle him. He turned his face toward her; it was shining with tears.  
  
"Forgive me," he whispered.  
  
"I forgive you," she told him, coming closer as he reached to put his arms around her. "For what, I don't know, Spock, but whatever you need it for, I forgive you."  
  
He buried his face in her hair and she felt him shake with some unnamed grief. She couldn't say she'd become used to these storms, but she - and Spock - had become at least resigned to dealing with them, for now.  
  
Tanafau took his hand, led him back into the bedroom, where she bathed his face with a washcloth like a child, and settled them both back in bed. He was quieter now.  
  
"Go to sleep, _ashayam_ ," she murmured. "It's only two days more to Vulcan."  
  
The next day, he was the first awake, as usual. Tanafau hadn't gone soft; it was Spock's condition that made him restless. He only slept a few hours at a time now, and that irregularly. It was well that they were on their way back to his home, to seek treatment for the poisoning he had suffered under Romulan captivity.  
  
Tanafau grudgingly admitted to herself that her former colleagues' attempt to destroy Spock's mind was understandable, from a military standpoint. But if there were a central tenet to Romulan philosophy it was that of honor, _mnhei'sahe_ , and it was not honorable to torture a prisoner merely for the sake of torture. Nor was it seemly to presume Tanafau had been a traitor to the Empire simply because she had chosen to live while in the keeping of Federation forces, rather than perform the suicide expected of captive Romulans.  
  
She had simply chosen life over death. Eventually, her path had crossed once more with Spock of Vulcan, by whose agency she had come to live in Federation space, and they had formed a relationship. They became lovers, and on the night that Spock proposed they bond for life, they had been captured by a Romulan ship. It was there that she and Spock had endured separate agonies and escaped, only to find that the trellium poisoning Spock had undergone had resulted in a breakdown of his mental and emotional control.  
  
And now they were headed for Vulcan once more, to seek healing and to prepare to bond.  
  
Spock was nowhere to be seen in their quarters. Tanafau dressed and went to the officers' mess, where she was recognized by now, and found Lt. Uhura finishing her breakfast. She got her own breakfast and sat down with Uhura.  
  
"Good morning, Lieutenant," said Tanafau. "Have you seen my _h'levreinnye_?" It was her nickname for Spock, one she had used as a code word to Uhura in a time of crisis. That lady smiled.  
  
"He was coming out when I came in," she said. "He wasn't in uniform - he's been wearing black since you returned and he's very striking in it."  
  
"Well I know it," said her companion. "I'm glad he's at least visiting the mess hall, if only to smell food. He hasn't been eating much."  
  
"He'll be glad to get home, I bet."  
  
"I think so. You must be one of the few who believe he has feelings, then."  
  
Uhura laughed. "Everyone believes it these days. They'll have a hard time readjusting to him when he comes back from his rehabilitation."  
  
If he comes back, thought Tanafau. She shrugged and said, "Perhaps they'll understand him better, after this."  
  
"There are some who 'get' who Spock is, on this ship," Uhura told her. "I hope I'm one of them. Anyone else can say what they like."  
  
"I'm sure you are, Lieutenant." Tanafau sipped coffee and after a moment asked, "What do they say about me?"  
  
"About you?" Uhura wasn't surprised, but rather cautious as she replied, "Well, ship's gossip has spread the word that you're Romulan, and that you've been living in exile for some time. I don't think anyone knows what your original connection to Spock was, but they know that his family has your back in a crisis, both this one and the trial."  
  
"True indeed," smiled Tanafau. "So they don't know about - us."  
  
"If you mean, your mutual affection," said Uhura slyly, "there has been speculation, which I have neither confirmed nor denied."  
  
"How very discreet of you."  
  
"Like I said," Uhura told her as she rose to leave, "I'm one of his friends, and I hope one of yours, too."  
  
"Thank you," said Tanafau sincerely, and the Lieutenant bade her farewell and left.  
  
At loose ends, Tanafau went to visit Dr. McCoy and found him momentarily at his leisure.  
  
"You're spending too much time in here," he grumbled good-naturedly. "You're fully recovered."  
  
"Thanks to you."  
  
"Thanks to Jim and his brilliant deductions," said McCoy. "Can't you keep Spock out of trouble for one day?"  
  
"As he has said, I'm not his keeper," she replied without rancor. "And you wouldn't want it any other way."  
  
"No, I s'pose I wouldn't. From the little I know of you, ma'am, Spock has met his match. In more ways than one."  
  
She merely smiled enigmatically.  
  
"To put it plainly," McCoy went on, "he told me the two of you were planning to be married."  
  
"He told you that?"  
  
"Is it true? Quit fencing, now. I'm his doctor, I'm entitled to know of any change in his - um, situation."  
  
She laughed. "You are priceless, Doctor. Yes, it is true, and no, it isn't a secret, but it also isn't general knowledge. We're both very jealous with our privacy."  
  
"Well, no one's gonna hear it from me. I'm going to be communicating with the healers on Vulcan about Spock's rehabilitation, so I expect to get updates on your health as well, ma'am."  
  
"Medical officers," she said tolerantly as she rose to leave. "They're the same the galaxy over. Tyrannical at best."  
  
"If that's what it takes," muttered the doctor.  
  
Tanafau ran Spock down in the captain's quarters, discussing the work that would have to be turned over to someone else in Spock's absence.  
  
"The difficulty is in not knowing how long you're going to be gone," said Kirk.  
  
Spock shot him a look and said, "That is the third time you have pointed that out, Jim. And I still have no answer to it."  
  
Kirk looked startled, then he laughed - at himself. Sheepishly he said, "I bet that sort of comment goes through your head all the time, Spock. Thank you for your consummate skill at leaving some thoughts unexpressed."  
  
"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," said the Vulcan, but he was smiling. "And you're welcome."  
  
Tanafau wandered around the room, restless, and when it seemed the meeting was drawing to a close she asked, "Captain Kirk, is there a place on board your ship where I could do some practice drills?"  
  
"What kind of drills?" Kirk said curiously.  
  
"Just hand to hand, nothing lethal."  
  
Spock muttered, "Those two statements cannot be considered synonymous."  
  
"Very well, then, _khreriov_ ," said his beloved, "perhaps you would like to test that theory."  
  
"I could use something new myself," said Kirk. "May I join you?"  
  
"Of course," said Tanafau and Spock contented himself with an eyebrow.  
  



	2. Chapter 2

They proceeded to the gym, where they separated to change, then met again on the large mat. Tanafau got there first and was stretching as the two men emerged from the locker room.  
  
"If you don't mind my asking," said Kirk, "have you sparred with her before?"  
  
Spock thought of the times he had grappled with Tanafau and refrained from mentioning them, as they had nearly all ended in enthusiastic sexual activity. Instead he said, "Not in earnest. However, there was an incident on the Romulan ship, when I was not myself, in which she was forced to defend herself against my attack."  
  
"Obviously you both lived to tell the tale."  
  
"Indeed. Neither came away unscathed, however. If you have the chance to drill with her, beware of her teeth."  
  
With that comment Spock moved away to warm up and Kirk stared after him, then back at the woman on the mat. She wore a black skullcap to confine her hair, and the usual workout garb, black leotard and tights. Her feet were bare and her eyes were half-closed as she moved. As Kirk worked through his warmup he thought about the first time he had seen her, and the fact that he, unlike Spock, could not remain completely impervious to physical beauty. He had almost wished he could be the one to distract her.  
  
He and Spock engaged in some sparring, something Jim had missed over the last few weeks. Generally neither of them pulled their punches, and this time was no exception; they came out about even in terms of who sent whom to the mat. Then Kirk took a turn with Tanafau.  
  
She wasn't as short as she appeared, he thought, and what she lacked in reach and stride she made up for in acrobatics, dancing in and out of range and taunting him with jabs until she saw her chance for a serious hit. It took Kirk only ten minutes to convince himself not to cut her any more slack. She ramped up her attack accordingly.  
  
When they had each claimed victory once and come out in a draw the third time, Tanafau requested a break and they paused to hydrate. Then Tanafau walked to the center of the mat and stood waiting for her next opponent. Before Spock moved to join her, he said in a low voice, "No matter what you see, Jim, do not interfere."  
  
"What do you think - "  
  
"Promise me this," said his friend emphatically, and Kirk just nodded, puzzled. Spock walked over to face his opponent and they began.  
  
It didn't look like practice; it looked like they were there to kill or be killed. He know why Spock told him to stay out of it - it was the most ferocious hand to hand he'd ever seen between friendly forces, and some hostile ones. Green bloodstains smeared the mat after a while and for once Kirk couldn't tell whose blood it was. Teeth, nails, elbows - apparently the stock they had both sprung from considered no holds barred.  
  
Among the murmur of the group that had gathered to watch the carnage, Kirk could have sworn he heard...growling.  
  
Tanafau clung to Spock's back as he spun, trying to rid himself of his burden, seizing the hands locked around his neck and biting one. She reached to cover his face - surely she wouldn't damage his vision, would she? - but in the moment that her grip shifted, Spock snapped his head back to strike hers, a glancing blow. She fumbled, trying to regain her hold, but her opponent immediately jerked forward, head down, and dislodged her feet at the same time, flinging her over his head, to land on her back on the mat. Before she could so much as lift her head he was on top of her, sprawled, pinning every limb to the floor.  
  
She spat in his face; he shook it off and went on glaring at her. A silence fell over the spectators, and in it Kirk now heard clearly an animal sound, coming from his first officer. Spock barked something at Tanafau in another language and she laughed and turned her head; he barked again and took hold of her ear with his teeth briefly. When she turned her head again to look at him, she did not look the least bit defeated.  
  
Apparently obeying his command, she lifted her head to lick the moisture from his face, cheeks, forehead, and when she got to his mouth she froze and clamped her mouth shut. From where Kirk stood it looked like Spock's eyes had rolled back. The Vulcan bowed his head on his partner's neck and both their bodies relaxed, as if on cue.  
  
A shout of approbation rose from the onlookers, and the opponents rose, nodded to the captain, and left the gym, together, without looking back.  
  
"What the hell was he saying?" Kirk muttered under his breath.  
  
"Are you sure you want to know, Captain?" It was Lt. Uhura, coming in for her workout.  
  
"I don't know, do I? How bad was it?"  
  
"I wouldn't say bad. But you might find it - alarming, if you didn't know them well," she said slyly. Kirk made an exasperated face and she laughed.  
  
"Spock said, 'Lick it off - bitch,'" the comm officer told him, apparently amused. "When she laughed and refused, and he bit her ear, he said, 'Submit'. That's all."  
  
"That's plenty," said Kirk. He had just gained new respect for the combat skills of both his first officer and the Romulan.  
  
What Uhura hadn't mentioned was that, when Spock's head went down on Tanafau's shoulder, the Romulan had said to him, " _H'levreinnye_."  
  



	3. Chapter 3

The Vulcan and the Romulan moved wordlessly, unhurried, through the corridors back to Spock's quarters, only a silent nod if someone offered Spock a greeting. Once the door closed behind them Spock threw the towel that had been around his neck on the floor and stood as if ready for further battle. Instead, Tanafau dropped to her knees and began massaging his calves and feet, hard, fighting muscle that had recently worked too hard. This was the prize to the victor, each time they sparred. Spock balanced himself with a hand on the wall as she worked her way up his legs, moving around behind him. When she reached the top of his thighs she peeled off his lower garments, sweat-soaked, and he kicked them away.  
  
Tanafau knew what would happen if she got distracted by the sight of her half-naked lover - he'd make her watch while he pleasured himself; so she kept rubbing and working his body, all except the part she wanted to touch so badly, now knuckling her way up his spine under his shirt, which he stripped off as well.  
  
"Bend over," she told him and he planted his hands on his knees and bent, head down, so she could reach his shoulders and neck, rub his scalp through damp hair, raise him again to stand so she could finish off with his arms and chest. She stepped back, flexing her weary hands and arms, and he raised his head to look at her.  
  
"Thank you," he said softly. Stepping close, he removed her skullcap to let her hair escape its confinement, then reached to slip off her clothing with gentle fingers. She laid her hand on his shoulder for balance and he noted the injuries he had inflicted on her, and stilled in his movements. She felt his shoulders shake.  
  
"Spock, what is it?" she whispered, and once more she heard him say, "Forgive me."  
  
Tanafau knelt down with him and took his face in her hands. She could sense through their bond remorse, shame -  
  
"What have you done, to need forgiveness?"  
  
His brown eyes met hers and he said roughly, "I have hurt you."  
  
"Not badly," she said with confidence. "Wounds can heal. And as usual, I have returned the favor."  
  
Spock shook his head. "Not like that. I mean - when we were on the Romulan ship - when I was - lost control - " He took a deep breath. "I did not know you, I was mad, but that is no excuse. I took you savagely, raped you, and even if you found it acceptable, I do not. Every time I injure you, in drills or in bed, whether by accident or from arousal, I remember that day and I cringe inside."  
  
"But we have made love since then."  
  
"Not like that. It has been sweet, gentle, comforting. I'm afraid of what I might do next time we become - aroused to combat."  
  
"Warriors, both of us," she said. "As I said in the beginning. I remember that day also, ashayam."  
  
Tanafau rose and paced the room; Spock folded up to sit cross-legged on the floor, watching.  
  
"I knew you would likely not recognize me, because of the poison," she said. "I prepared my mind for that before they put me in with you. Even when you showed flashes of lucidity, I didn't count on them to save me. I'm only thankful that it was sex and not murder that prevailed." What she did not say was that it hadn't been the most violent coupling she'd ever been subjected to.  
  
"Do not try to lessen the severity of my behavior, Tanafau."  
  
"I'm not," she said, turning to face him with blazing eyes. "But in love and war, violence is a very real risk. If I have chosen to accept the risk, so have you, and you owe me no apology. Nor do I owe you forgiveness. You may have it," she said more quietly, coming to kneel before him, "over and over, if you need it, not just words, but in my heart." She cupped his face in her hands. "K'hat'n'dlawa, you must forgive yourself."  
  
She lifted his face like a goblet and drank in his kiss.  
  
"Have you always been this wise?" he whispered.  
  
"Only since I met you," she said. Spock gathered her in his arms and stretched out on the carpet with her on top, his hands hot as he caressed her, his mouth soft and urgent. The scent of her unwashed body was driving him wild, like ripe fruit or wine, and he growled softly into her neck and closed his teeth on her skin.  
  
"You see," she smiled. "You cannot resist me. Nor I you. Come and eat me up, my Vulcan."  
  
In one smooth motion her lover rolled to his knees, then to his feet, holding her in his arms, nipping her throat and jaw and anything he could reach as he brought her to his bed. He lay her down and kissed and caressed every bruise, every bite, tasting of her blood and sweat as well as his own. Finally she pulled his head up to engulf his mouth again, and they remained fastened to each other that way as her legs pulled him close, her body tilted to bring him inside her, and he slid and pumped and brought them both to completion.  
  



	4. Chapter 4

They reached Vulcan as expected, and Spock was officially released from duty, "on sabbatical for health reasons" being the stated reason. The word "indefinitely" was also used, which bothered Jim Kirk no end.  
  
"I can live without the best first officer in the fleet - for a while," he grumbled to McCoy. "I just hate not knowing how long it's going to take."  
  
"I'm meeting with Spock and the Vulcan healers tomorrow," the doctor told him. "As I'm his long-term physician, they wanted to talk to me about his condition. Although they seemed skeptical about my ability to provide anything useful." He grimaced. "I may not know much about Vulcan neurology, but I know Spock all right."  
  
"That right there should come in handy enough," Jim grinned.  
  
Amanda Grayson was waiting at the pad when Spock and Tanafau beamed down; as an ambassador, Sarek rated his own transporter device, located off his study. Both her visitors materialized at the same time, and her son stepped off the pad and came over to give his mother a hug, the most affectionate embrace he had given her since his childhood. Amanda disregarded the tears that sprang to her eyes and when Spock released her, she held her hand out to Tanafau.  
  
"At last," Amanda said. "I'm so glad you both made it back in one piece. You are in one piece, aren't you?"  
  
Tanafau laughed and threw her arms around her friend. "We are," she told her. "A little banged up in places, but you know that never slowed me down before."  
  
"Nor me," added Spock with a smile, a real smile, then he laughed a little at the reaction on his mother's face.  
  
"I suppose that just when I get used to that, you'll have learned to control it," Amanda said ruefully. "I hope for your sake that it doesn't take long."  
  
She led them through the living area toward the veranda. "Have you planned where you'll be staying?" she asked tactfully.  
  
"Tanafau has asked if I'd like to stay with her," said Spock. "I believe that would be the most logical course of action."  
  
"Logical?" His mother's mouth quirked.  
  
"Her home is closer to the medical facility," Spock went on, not noticing the glances the women exchanged. "And I would not wish to disturb you or Father with any emotional difficulties I might encounter."  
  
"But you don't mind disturbing me," Tanafau teased, but he didn't look at all bothered.  
  
"You have consented to be my wife," he said, deadpan. "In the Earth ceremony there is a phrase 'for better or for worse'. I put it to you that this is an excellent test of our ability to 'put up with each other', as my mother would put it."  
  
His mother laughed at that.  
  
"Come have dinner," she said. "I want to hear from you what happened. Sarek is offworld and I'm alone at the moment."  
  
She was alone again, but not lonely, after dinner when the others had departed. She watched them walk down the path toward the neighborhood where Tanafau lived, and went to bed with a great sense of satisfaction.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=Tanafau activated the lights and temperature control as they entered the front door and said, "It feels like ages since I've been home."  
  
"I am familiar with that sensation," agreed Spock, taking the small bag she had brought with a few spare articles of clothing. He went into the bedroom, deposited it in the closet, and came back out, to find Tanafau still in the same spot, gazing out her back window toward the hills. He touched her hair, then dropped his hand to his side and merely stood gazing with her. Eventually, she stirred and spoke.  
  
"Spock - if we hadn't been interrupted, up there on the cliff - what would normally happen?"  
  
Spock thought a minute.  
  
"In ancient days, the couple would enter the caverns, to live alone for several days, their only company one another. After those days had passed, they would emerge to finalize their bond, having had time for intense mental and physical contact, which was meant to affirm that their bonding was right."  
  
"Intense mental and physical contact," said Tanafau, and looked up at him. "What if it wasn't right?"  
  
"An elder would have to break the tenuous connection established at the koon-ut-solik. Unpleasant, but occasionally necessary." Spock was struck by a sudden thought. "Tanafau - I hope you are not suggesting that our bonding will not occur."  
  
She looked just as startled.  
  
"No, no," she shook her head and reached to hold his hand. "Not in the least. I know nothing of the Vulcan way, or the human, in these matters."  
  
"What of the Romulan way?"  
  
"We're not telepathic, as Vulcans are, so the mental intercourse is replaced with verbal," she told him. "There is no retreat, but the couple may be sequestered if they wish. In any case, there is a period during which either party may 'call off' the marriage without censure. As adultery is not an option, it only seems fair that we get it right the first time, as humans say." She went to sit on the couch, bringing him to sit with her. "I suppose I should pick Amanda's brain about human customs."  
  
"You're very interested in marriage customs all of a sudden," said Spock curiously.  
  
She laughed. "If we're going to married, someone has to start thinking about the customs by which it will be done. Logistics, my Vulcan. And women the galaxy over have always been the ones entrusted with such plans. Unless, of course, you have definite opinions on the procedure."  
  
"I had not given it any thought."  
  
Tanafau felt something like melancholy through their connection and said, "Didn't you ever think about it, even in your youth?"  
  
"I knew that T'Pring awaited me," he said. "It meant that, since she was living on Vulcan, her place would be to make the arrangements. So it never entered my mind. Then, afterward...I had thought I would never marry."  
  
He kissed her gently, and she said, "I expected the same destiny for myself. My position was so difficult to achieve and to keep, a mate would be out of the question. Then I found myself here and was content."  
  
"And then I turned up," he murmured.  
  
"Again," she smiled. "Bringing upheaval with you, again. No, that's not it. The combination of our selves it what brings the upheaval."  
  
Spock smiled down at her. "Very metaphorical, rihanna."  
  
Tanafau was silent for a bit, then she asked, "Spock, is it logical that we should be together?"  
  
"Clarify, please."  
  
She leaned up to look in his velvet brown eyes. "I am an outcast, an anomaly in this society, even off Vulcan. You are unique among your people - "  
  
"Also outcast in some ways," he interrupted. "You need not spare my feelings on that issue. Although I have not felt it a burden in a long time."  
  
"An anomaly, then. Are we attracted merely because we don't belong anywhere else? Does being different really bring us together - or are we just trying to escape from those who would reject us?"  
  
Spock held her face in his hands.  
  
"This self-doubt is not like you, ashayam," he said. "I will not say these are not important questions. To me, the important question is: do we belong together? Whether it is logical does not matter."  
  
"Don't let your father hear you say that," she smiled.  
  
"My father would agree," said her lover. "He has always said that marrying my mother was the logical thing to do, but that's just their favorite joke. He knows when logic may be of utmost importance - and when it is of no importance at all. Although he would never let the High Council hear him say that."  
  
She was silent.  
  
"You told me once that, as neither of us belonged to any world, we both belonged among the stars," Spock said softly. "And if that is so, it is even more just that we belong together. And besides," he tightened his arms around her, "I love you."  
  
"I love you," said Tanafau, and seemed content.  
  



	5. Chapter 5

The next day, Tanafau left early to go to her shop, where her assistant had kept the business open in her absence, and Spock proceeded to the house of his parents, where he was to meet with McCoy and a Vulcan healer to discuss his recovery. His mother greeted him affectionately, although there was obvious concern in her expression.  
  
"I've never known anyone who suffered from trellium poisoning," she said as they had tea, before the medical visitors arrived.  
  
"Nor have I. The most extensive research was done a century ago; the treatment then involved a special mode of meditation, combined with physical activity and melding with a healer of a certain level. The current medical literature shows little further progress, perhaps because the phenomenon has become less common."  
  
"Spock - how do you feel?" asked his mother. He looked at her, not puzzled, but thoughtful.  
  
"I feel well," he said slowly. "Physically well. Mentally - I'm not sure how to describe my mental and emotional state. I feel as though there were another being impinging on my mind, one with no constraint or discretion, that rises unpredictably to command my moods. And yet it still feels like myself, not an intruder or a stranger - I have had moments in my life where I felt that freedom. I am unused to experiencing it for any length of time; it is - disconcerting."  
  
The door chime sounded and Spock rose as his mother went to answer it. A moment later, Leonard McCoy entered the room with her, along with another woman who seemed moderately old and vaguely familiar. She wore a traditional healer's robe, and her head was covered with a hooded cloak.  
  
"Spock, good to see you," said McCoy, then stepped back and nodded deferentially to the stranger.  
  
"I am T'Pol," said a firm voice from under the hood. She reached to throw it back and now Spock recognized her - the author of the research he had found from the last century, still a healer on Vulcan, although previously a cultural liaison and officer in the service of the Federation. The only person in Starfleet ever to decline the rank of admiral, in favor of pursing a new career in medicine after her time with Enterprise was over.  
  
"We are honored," said Amanda, as befit the head of the house in Sarek's absence. She and Spock bowed their heads briefly and T'Pol nodded back. She removed her cloak and Spock took it and hung it up.  
  
"We will need to sit and be comfortable for some time," T'Pol said to Amanda. That lady led them all into the living area, where there was a curved sofa; T'Pol sat and indicated that Spock should sit facing her, with McCoy behind him and Amanda at her own back. Spock could see his mother's face and acknowledged to himself that, even at his age, this comforted him.  
  
"Do you need - " McCoy began to say, but T'Pol gave a sharp shake of her head and reached to lay her hands on Spock's face.  
  
"Do not speak, please," she said. "No one is to speak aloud until I permit it."  
  
Her imperious manner intrigued Spock; Vulcan healers were not known to have what humans called a beside manner, but T'Pol's attitude seemed closer to that of a scientist conducting an experiment. He felt her fingers exploring his face, finding just the right psi points, and he let his eyes closed so he could concentrate.  
  
"Open your eyes, Spock," she ordered, but quietly. "Do not attempt to use any of the techniques you have learned. Allow your mind to be at rest, unrestrained. And keep your eyes on me."  
  
In his mind he could not help but say, _Yes, ma'am_ , and he sensed something like exasperation from her, although it did not show externally. This was one whose control was impressive, physically at least.  
  
 _Yes, it is_ , she said in his mind. _Honed over many years of contact with Vulcans - and with humans. It is why, when Sarek called, I came to you.  
_  
He didn't question her, sensing that he was to receive her examination passively, and he heard her say, _Good. Your cooperation, while not crucial, will be quite helpful.  
_  
Spock watched her eyes, hazel orbs, calm and steady, as her mind traveled further into his own, sure of its way, as though his neural pathways were a familiar road. He noted another departure from human medical custom; she did not give him a continual commentary as to what she was doing or observing. She was as silent in his mind as she was outside it.  
  
He did not know how much time had passed when he felt her withdraw from his consciousness, her hands dropped into her lap, and she sat back and regarded him, once more like a fascinated scientist. Spock let his eyes stray to his mother's and he gave her a nod of reassurance. Her cultivated Vulcan expression was nearly perfect, but he knew her face well and watched as it relaxed very slightly.  
  
"I have not seen a case like this before," T'Pol said at last. "Perhaps it is the human element of your mind; perhaps the nature of the substance with which you were poisoned. It will not require a simple regimen, but rigorous treatment and re-training."  
  
Normally Spock would not have had to make an effort to hold his tongue; now he struggled to keep from asking the dozens of questions that sprang to mind. T'Pol seemed to observe his unease and nodded, but with approval.  
  
"I would like to meet your ko-kugalsu," said T'Pol briskly, rising and gathering her robes around her. "I will return tomorrow, if that is satisfactory."  
  
"Yes, healer," said Amanda. "We look forward to your return."  
  
Once the elder had shown herself out, McCoy let out a long sigh.  
  
"And I thought T'Pau was a force to be reckoned with," he muttered. "This one is even more intimidating, although I'm not sure I could explain why."  
  
"She is a legend," said Amanda. "Humans can be very susceptible to legends."  
  
"All I know is that she was the first Vulcan to serve with humans on a starship," said McCoy as the three of them went out on the veranda and sat. "She fought the good fight in preventing humans from being confined to Earth."  
  
"By our people," said Spock, who had not spoken much. He had found himself to be a bit in awe of T'Pol as well. "An error in judgment, but one which may have been an appropriate part of the natural progression of events."  
  
" _Kaiidth_ ," smiled his mother. At McCoy's blank look, she translated. "A Vulcan word meaning 'what is, is'. The philosophical equivalent of 'it is what it is' in Earth terms, that the universe will be what it should be, in spite of or because of our actions."  
  
"Or inaction," Spock put in. "Mother, T'Pol said that Sarek had contacted her. May I know the circumstances?"  
  
"When we heard you were alive, but injured, we assumed you could be treated by Starfleet medical personnel," said Amanda, nodding to McCoy. "Then, when we heard that there was trellium poisoning involved, your father began comming everyone he knew with a connection to medical research. Eventually he found T'Pol; she isn't easy to reach, spends most of her time at her own facility south of Shi'Kahr."  
  
"She is involved primarily in research, I believe," said Spock.  
  
"Yes, but when Sarek spoke with her she seemed to have dropped everything to arrange to meet us," Amanda went on.  
  
"Father can be very persuasive," said her son, but she shook her head.  
  
"Although that's certainly true, it wasn't his persuasion that carried the day. He told her of your situation and she thought for nearly a full minute, then agreed to an appointment. She actually seemed a bit - put out that you wouldn't arrive for several days."  
  
"How could you tell?" asked McCoy incredulously. Amanda smiled.  
  
"Intuition, my dear doctor," she said. "A human talent which comes in very handy when living among beings who claim not to use it." She turned to Spock, who had risen and was pacing the stone veranda, hands behind his back. "Spock - if I may ask, did she give any indication as to your prognosis?"  
  
"You may, Mother, and no, she did not. I cannot describe the experience, but I was vaguely aware that she was 'looking' for specific areas of my mind and knew where they should be found."  
  
"Vulcan neurobiology," McCoy muttered, shaking his head. "I can see I'll be of no use in this process."  
  
"Perhaps not," said Spock with a little smile. "However, I would not have come this far without your skills, Doctor, and for that I am most grateful."  
  
He held out his hand and McCoy, after a stunned moment, shook it warmly.  
  
"I'll leave you my tricorder," he said, unslinging it and handing it to Spock. "It has your entire medical history back to your Academy training downloaded to it. Starfleet regs don't allow me to load it into any system that isn't theirs," he explained, glancing apologetically at Amanda.  
  
"I understand," she said. "When will Enterprise be leaving orbit, do you know?"  
  
"Tomorrow," replied McCoy. "Jim said he'd contact Spock before we leave."  
  
Amanda and Spock saw the doctor to the door, and Amanda moved to return to the veranda. Realizing Spock had not followed, she looked back, to see him standing rooted to the entry hall floor, staring at the doorway through which McCoy had exited.  
  
"Spock?"  
  
He turned, with an expression she hadn't seen often on his face. Dawning realization? Fear? Hope?  
  
"Mother, what if - " He stopped himself and said abruptly. "I beg your pardon. If you don't mind, I'd like to spend some time alone. Shall I return for dinner, with Tanafau?"  
  
"Of course," said his mother, confused. "Are you all right?"  
  
"I hope so," Spock muttered, and under his breath he added, " _Kaiidth_..."  
  



	6. Chapter 6

Spock's beloved had spent the day immersed in artistic and business conversation, taking only a brief time for the midday meal. Her assistant brought her up to date on the shop - they were doing well, either because of or in spite of Tanafau's prolonged absence. Word seemed to have spread that she had been through an ordeal at the hands of her own people, and with the son of Sarek, and in spite of the neutrality of the Vulcan countenance, the Vulcan soul was still burning with curiosity. Tanafau had several visitors, two of whom wished to commission specific pieces of her signature sculpture.  
  
The time passed in interesting and fruitful ways. At the end of the day, Tanafau dismissed her assistant, locked the shop, and left to walk home. Her mind was full of ideas for the pieces she wanted to create, and it wasn't until she entered her house that she belatedly remembered where Spock had been all day. She called his name, walked through the house, and did not find him, but she wasn't concerned. He was on his home turf, and not a child to be watched.  
  
She went out to the patio where she made much of her sculpture and began making sketches. The sun sank low in the sky; she ignored the growling in her stomach, thinking she should hear from her Vulcan soon. When the last rays of Eridani were straggling toward the horizon, Tanafau realized what time it was, went in the house, and called Amanda Grayson.  
  
"Is Spock at your house?" she asked after they had exchanged greetings.  
  
"He left just before lunch time," said Amanda. "Haven't you seen him?"  
  
"No," said Tanafau, "and I'm not worried about him, not really - I was about to make dinner and didn't know whether to expect him."  
  
"I don't know where he went from here," Amanda told her, "but he did say he wanted to be alone for a while."  
  
"How did your meeting with the healer go?"  
  
"I'd rather let Spock try to describe that," said the older woman, a little uncomfortably. "How was your first day back at the gallery?"  
  
They chatted for a few minutes and then Tanafau bade her friend farewell and made herself something to eat. The sun had gone down completely and stars were thick in the sky; she dawdled over preparing for bed. She could sense Spock through their bond, only that he was nearby, not his emotional state, which was unusual. On the other hand, the poison had had some unexpected results - perhaps that was one of them.  
  
Tanafau sighed and buried herself in the bedcovers. Not worried, not really...  
  
She was awakened in the small hours past midnight, by the sound of familiar, though very light, footsteps entering her bedroom. She sat up and saw a tall, pale form moving around the room, undressing and coming toward the bed, and when he came near he seemed to suddenly see her and stopped.  
  
Tanafau knelt up before him as he stood and whispered, "Spock," holding out her hands. She could sense uncertainty, mingled with an intense longing, and when she touched him his skin felt like ice.  
  
"Ashayam, you're freezing! Where have you been?" Then she pulled him down onto the bed, saying, "Never mind. Come and get warm."  
  
She pulled the covers up over them, all the while feeling Spock's hands moving over her skin, not for warmth but from desire. She lay back and let him touch her with hands and mouth, feeling his entire body chilled against her. She put out of her mind thoughts of where he had gone and focused on the here and now, wrapping herself around him and responding to his caresses.  
  
Spock rolled onto his back with Tanafau on top of him, sprawled over him under the duvet; she scooted up his body until she could cradle his head in her arms and he buried his face between her breasts, his hands moving down to grip her backside, pulling her hard against him.  
  
"Spock," she whispered. "Spock..."  
  
He shifted her down to reach her mouth with his and she sank into his kiss, soft and wet and lingering. She sensed his hunger and at the same time, his enjoyment at exploring her once more, along with a sense that this was the first time he had ever done so. Tanafau raised her head and looked down at him and he smiled.  
  
"I am still - myself," he murmured. "I am seeing my life in a new light. Everything is new to me again - including this - "  
  
His mouth reached up for her again and she met him eagerly.  
  
Their lovemaking was tender and sweet, not contentious as their first coupling had been, and Spock urged his lover to climax at least three times before he let her pleasure him with hands and tongue. When his body was trembling from a control about to break, she rolled under him and opened her body for him to plunge inside as she clung to his shoulders and he reached depths she had never felt she had. His release came with a cry of ecstasy and he buried his face in her neck and sobbed, this time for joy rather than sorrow.  
  
Tanafau woke again at dawn; Spock lay beside her with his eyes closed, but as soon as she stirred he smiled and opened his eyes, turned his head to look at her.  
  
"Something's changed," she said softly. "What is it, k'diwa?"  
  
"Perspective," he murmured. "My own perspective. I have been pursuing a goal which is now irrelevant. I need no healer."  
  
"Explain," said Tanafau with a stirring of uneasiness.  
  
Spock sat up and clasped his arms around his knees, gazing now out the window.  
  
"I need no healer because I am not ill," he said. "Physically and mentally, there is nothing to prevent me from functioning normally as a member of society, or of Starfleet. I need never have left Enterprise - except, of course, to bond with you here." He leaned over to kiss her as she sat up to face him.  
  
"What has led you to this conclusion?" asked Tanafau.  
  
"I left my mother's house yesterday and climbed to the plateau where we made our promises to each other," Spock told her. "I spent the rest of the day and most of the night there, meditating and examining the events of the recent past, beginning with that promise.  
  
"When I was poisoned by our captors, I was indeed ill and mad for a time. There is now no trace of trellium in my blood, according to Dr. McCoy, so I am no longer physically unwell or debilitated. These past weeks, I have contemplated my situation and my future and have finally concluded that, being of sound mind and body, there is no need for me to be 're-trained' in Vulcan discipline. I am content, as I am, and I intend to continue as I am."  
  
"As you are," said Tanafau thoughtfully. She got up and put on a robe, began to pace the room. "You are different than you were before you were poisoned," she pointed out. "Tell me how you perceive the differences."  
  
"My thought processes flow more smoothly," he told her. "I can imagine possibilities I would not have allowed myself to consider before, under the constraint of logic. I take joy and satisfaction from my surroundings, from my actions, from those around me...I love you, and I can feel love for you, as never before." He got up and came to stand behind her as she stared out the window. "Can you not sense it? Through our bond?"  
  
"I do sense a change in you," she admitted. "But then, this kind of bond is new to me. What about your grief, your fears, Spock? The emotions that keep you awake, or cause you to weep? Are they also free now to affect you?"  
  
"There has always been a balance of the dark and the light. I learned this from living among humans for so long. It is joy which sustains them in times of despair. I must learn to adapt to such a balance, as my comrades have done all their lives. They will help me."  
  
"What of your duties? You claimed that your emotions would interfere with them."  
  
"With time, I will become accustomed to functioning as a freely emotional being." He looked down at her as she turned toward him. "I don't believe you oppose my decision -  I am not sensing resistance from you. But there is something - " He broke off, shaking his head.  
  
"Reluctance," she said. "Skepticism. Caution. You may have spent the night considering this theory, Spock, but it comes as a surprise to me, and it will to others as well. I would like to understand you better."  
  
"Very well," he said cheerfully. "Come with me to my parents' house; we are meeting with T'Pol again today."  
  



	7. Chapter 7

They arrived together and saw that Sarek had returned from offworld; he greeted them both with his usual reserve, though his gaze lingered on Spock as though to reassure himself of his son's well-being. He then turned to Tanafau and bowed his head.  
  
"I understand you are to be one of our family," he said formally, but Tanafau swore she'd seen a gleam in his dark eyes. "We are honored by our son's choice."  
  
"I am honored as well, Sarek," she replied. Just then the door chime sounded and Sarek went to answer it. He allowed T'Pol to precede him into the living area where they had been seated the day before, and she greeted Spock and Amanda with a nod. Then she turned to look at Tanafau.  
  
"May I present Tanafau," said Spock. "She who is to be my wife. Tanafau, may I introduce healer T'Pol."  
  
The eyes of the Romulan and those of the older Vulcan met, sizing each other up; the assessment over, they both sat down with similar expressions of satisfaction and everyone looked at T'Pol. She folded her hands in her lap and began to speak.  
  
"I understand that you may have been subjected to a trellium compound with which I am not familiar," she said, her tone mildly skeptical, as though she didn't believe such a thing existed. "When I touched your mind yesterday, I sensed some anomalies in your neural pathways which may be due to the trellium - but which may simply be due to your hybrid genetic makeup. Do you have data on the substance that was purged from your system upon your return to Enterprise?"  
  
"Dr. McCoy left his tricorder with the pertinent data, for your perusal," said Spock, getting up to retrieve the device and placing it in her hands. "Starfleet regulations do not permit - "  
  
"I am familiar with Starfleet regulations regarding the transfer of confidential information," said T'Pol; she took the unit, studied it for a moment, and as she activated it she added, "Even in Starfleet, some things never change. Although I see there have been improvements in tricorder technology."  
  
She went rapidly through several files, went back to one in particular and read it more slowly, then switched off the 'corder and handed it back to Spock.  
  
"It seems the Romulans used a very unrefined form of trellium-DV," she said to him. "It is similar to a compound which I have not seen for some time; I was familiar with it in my early studies. Its effects can be reversed once the substance itself has been purged from the body's system, which appears to be the case here."  
  
Spock nodded. "Physically I am clear of the poison and its effects."  
  
The healer looked sharply at him. "Not mentally?"  
  
"You may be the judge of that," Spock responded. "I assume our previous mental contact was not representative of that which is part of the treatment?"  
  
"No, that was a minor diagnostic," said T'Pol. "Are you prepared for a more intimate exploration?"  
  
"I am," he said. Turning to the other three, he said deferentially, "If you don't mind, I would rather no one else were present during this process."  
  
"Of course," said his mother. "We'll be within call if you should need any of us, T'Pol."  
  
T'Pol merely nodded. Amanda and Tanafau went out together and Sarek disappeared in the direction of his study. Spock looked at T'Pol, waiting, but she made no move to establish a link. At last she stirred and stood up, pacing a few slow steps and back.  
  
"In order to gauge the possible effect of the trellium on your psyche, I will need to pass through nearly every mental barrier you hold," she told him. "It is an extremely vulnerable state for you - and for me. We must trust each other, if only for this time. My oath as a healer binds me to silence over what I may see, but if you wish it may be revealed to others. I only ask that you not share with anyone what you may see of my mind while we are melded."  
  
"I will not," said Spock. "You have my word."  
  
She nodded and sat beside him. "This time you will touch me, as I touch you," she told him and they both lifted their hands, to place their fingertips on each other's contact points.  
  
 _Spock  
  
T'Pol_  
  
Their thoughts followed on each other's heels, more quickly than spoken word could have done.  
  
 _Your recent memory, beginning with your capture_ , demanded T'Pol.  
  
Spock complied, allowing his memories to flow along as though he were watching a holovid. T'Pol's mind was silent. Then she nudged his mind to continue and he showed her the aftermath, his mental state, their rescue, his treatment on Enterprise. Without reserve he shared with her his emotions and thoughts from that time, not omitting even his nights with Tanafau and their lovemaking. He sensed T'Pol' satisfaction at his candor.  
  
Then the healer began to probe his deeper thoughts, those he had experienced at the time of these events, taking in his fear and anguish as the trellium deprived him of reason, the hours when he was completely incapable of knowing who or where he was. The time in the holding cell when he and Tanafau had battled, and he had taken her by force. He had shared this memory with T'Pol but not his emotions, and she sank into his mind to find them and bring them into the light of contemplation.  
  
 _You have experienced shame over your actions_ , she thought and Spock indicated acknowledgment.  
  
 _You have also experienced love and respect_ , T'Pol pointed out. _Do not forget that; she has not forgotten it_.  
  
That simple, confident assessment reassured Spock immensely. He observed T'Pol's descent past his mental shields, which at any rate were not as robust as before. She proceeded slowly and cautiously, and as she seemed to progress to his inner mind Spock sensed something like sorrow, mingled with curiosity and resolve.  
  
 _One word_ , she said in his mind. _I will sense your response_. A pause, then he heard her say clearly: _V'tosh'katur_.  
  
Spock's mind recoiled, a nearly involuntary reaction to the word: Vulcans without logic.  
  
 _That is not my intention_ , he managed to express through his distaste. _Come further within._  
  
His fingers trembled on her face, only inches from his own; there was silence in his mind and faintly his ears perceived the sound of their breathing and the beat of his own heart. The silence went on and on; her equanimity and calm were the only things preventing him from withdrawing apprehensively from the meld. Finally he heard her in his mind once more.  
  
 _Even without the discipline, your self-restraint is remarkable_ , she told him. _I believe we should separate now._  
  
They opened their eyes and withdrew their hands and sat gazing at each other. Finally Spock said, "What have you concluded?"  
  
"You are not convinced that retraining in Vulcan discipline is either necessary or desirable," she said promptly. "You wish to explore the option of attempting to live with both emotions and logic. Yet you are determined not to err on the side of the _v'tosh'katur_ and abandon logic completely."  
  
"That is accurate," he said. "In your experience, have you encountered Vulcans who could find this balance?"  
  
"Three," she replied. "And I attempted it myself. I was unable to find balance."  
  
Spock remained silent and T'Pol gazed out the window, still sitting straight-backed on the edge of the couch.  
  
"As you may know, I experimented with trellium-D in my youth, with detrimental results," she said. "My - recovery was long and difficult, and even after I was physically and mentally restored, I was plagued by emotions I was unable to control adequately enough to perform my duties. There was no mar on my record," she shook her head, "and yet I felt I had failed myself. I tell you this because you may have sensed it during the meld. It is not common knowledge."  
  
"Understood," said Spock quietly. "May I inquire further?" At her nod, he ventured, "What of Commander Tucker?"  
  
"Do you mean to ask whether he was aware of my personal conflict?" Her eyes remained fixed on the horizon. "Indeed he was. It was for his sake that I made the attempt to find emotional equilibrium."  
  
This was the Vulcan equivalent to admitting illicit, wild, abandoned passion. He felt - not stunned, exactly, but taken aback.  
  
"As I said, it is not common knowledge," T'Pol went on.  
  
"Why do you tell me this?" Spock asked. "Surely you have melded this intimately with others; has no one else discerned this?"  
  
"It was long ago, over a hundred years." She rose and began pacing again. "And it is no crime, to feel affection, even for one not of our race. But we were not so tolerant then, and Trip - Commander Tucker had his own biases to deal with."  
  
"That is not why you mention it now, however."  
  
"No. As I said, I have encountered few Vulcans who could find a sustainable way to live without the level of control the Vulcan way provides. You intrigue me, Spock; you are both Vulcan and human, and you have embraced a bondmate from yet another species. It would seem you have a skill for adaptation, and I wonder whether that will serve you in your quest."  
  
"What is your advice?" asked Spock.  
  
T'Pol spent some time in thought. At last she stirred and said, "I cannot advise you, Commander. I may be able to help you clarify for yourself the logic, the costs, and the benefits of your options; this would require melding at least one more time. And I am fatigued."  
  
"Forgive me for keeping you," Spock said immediately and rose. He held out his hand, forgetting that it was not the custom on Vulcan, but T'Pol took it and stood as well.  
  
"Thank you," she said simply. "I will call for a flitter; I don't believe I'm up to the walk home."  
  
"My father has a flitter," said Spock. "Perhaps you will allow one of us to transport you."  
  
He went to find Sarek, who did indeed offer to transport the healer, and after farewells all around T'Pol left with Sarek.  
  



	8. Chapter 8

Tanafau observed Spock, gazing after the flitter in a brown study, and said, "I'm going down to my shop."  
  
"Do you wish me to accompany you?" asked Spock without turning around.  
  
"I wish you to do as you like," she said lightly, and as he didn't move, she smiled at Amanda, went over and touched Spock's hand, at which he looked up and bent to kiss her cheek.  
  
"I will meet up with you after you close," he said.  
  
The shop was busy again and Tanafau's assistant seemed pleased. Tanafau knew that once the novelty of her capture and return wore off business would drop, so she visited several patrons to keep up professional contacts, sharing tea and what she could tell of her story, making it clear that she was back and available for orders.  
  
A few people asked about Spock and Tanafau replied that he was spending some time with his parents, recovering from injuries she would rather not discuss. When she returned to close the shop, she realized somewhat belatedly that these conversations might encourage further inquiries, and she opened a comm and called Amanda.  
  
"I'm afraid the gossips might be descending on you," she said apologetically and explained, and Amanda smiled a little.  
  
"I've been getting calls since the word came that you two were coming," she said. "Don't worry about it. I don't mind handling the gossips, and Spock - well, no one is asking for him. I suppose they think that, as a human, I'm easier to crack."  
  
"The more fools they."  
  
"Sarek is walking with Spock back to your home," Amanda went on. "They haven't had a lot of time to talk. He's curious, in his own way, about Spock's meld with T'Pol; he'd never admit it, but he's been in awe of her for decades."  
  
"She was on the first Federation ship, wasn't she? Also called Enterprise?"  
  
"Yes - she was a liaison between the Federation and Vulcan, in her youth, during a very turbulent time in our relations. Sarek considers her the first ambassador to Earth worthy of note."  
  
"And again, he'd never say that," grinned Tanafau.  
  
They chatted for a few more minutes, then Tanafau signed off, locked up, and proceeded to walk home. As she got to her front door, she saw Sarek's tall form at a distance along the path back to his own home.  
  
"Good timing," she said to Spock as she came into the kitchen area. He had just washed his hands and was getting ingredients out of the refrigerator.  
  
"Indeed," he said. "He would have liked to 'pick your brain' had he found you here."  
  
"My brain? About what?"  
  
"I believe he thinks that you know more about my condition than either of us is telling him," said Spock succinctly. "I spoke to Mother after you left and she told me, and I quote, 'he's more worried about you than he'll admit'. Meaning me."  
  
"I don't know whether to find that annoying or touching," said Tanafau, taking a seat nearby as he began mixing a salad.  
  
He glanced at her, eyebrow on the rise. "Neither do I, but probably for different reasons than you, little bird."  
  
"Explain, please."  
  
"I am familiar with both those emotions, but until our recent experience, it was not necessary for me to weigh whether one prevailed over the other. Logic guided me to dismiss both, in this case, because neither would serve any purpose. In a situation such as conflict or combat, emotions or instincts can be extremely useful in making decisions or taking action. Everyday life does not require taking emotion into account for one's survival."  
  
"Most of the time," said Tanafau.  
  
"Agreed."  
  
"Then what is the purpose of allowing yourself to take them into account as a rule, not an exception?" she asked curiously.  
  
Spock went on preparing the meal, thinking, the silence between them not uncomfortable but rather reassuring. Finally, he said, "It seems to me that doing so would augment my ability to both perform my duties and to experience personal satisfaction. Not that I believe I'm 'missing' something, as Jim might believe, but I feel I am not using my emotions to their full potential."  
  
"As you are doing with your mind."  
  
"Exactly." He smiled a little at her. "It is most satisfying that you and I understand each other so well, even when the bond is fragile."  
  
"Is it fragile?"  
  
He wiped his hands on a towel and came over to where she was perched on a stool.  
  
"It is not yet permanent," he said, smiling. "Once we proceed to koon-ut-kal-i-fee, and the ritual is concluded, you will know what a true bond is like."  
  
"Was your bond with T'Pring stronger than ours?"  
  
She watched him as she mentioned the woman who had broken her bond with him, through the challenge and through her infidelity. He did not flinch, but his expression sobered and he thought for a minute.  
  
"I cannot remember, now, what it felt like," he admitted. "She is Vulcan, and we were bonded for many years, if only in betrothal. If it was different, that may be the reason."  
  
"How long ago was the challenge?" Tanafau had her reasons for asking.  
  
Spock had been moving back toward the counter where he'd been working. Now he spun to face her, alarm in his eyes.  
  
"Seven years," he exclaimed. "Seven years, since - It was my first experience with the mating cycle. I have not felt such a drive since - Tanafau - " He came over and took her by the shoulders. "Do you believe I might be entering that time again?"  
  
"I don't know, Spock," she answered honestly. "It might explain some of your mood swings. I wouldn't raise the issue, except that there's so much going on in your body just now - it might be a factor in your recovery."  
  
"Or lack thereof," he muttered as if to himself. He tossed the towel down on the counter and seized her hand, dragging her off the stool to go with him, out the door.  
  
"I must see T'Pol."  
  



	9. Chapter 9

T'Pol had not yet retired; she preferred the night hours, with the sky crowded with stars, to the hotter day under Eridani. She was sitting in her glass-enclosed sun room when her bondmate Sogan entered the room and lay a hand on her shoulder.  
  
" _Ashayam_ ," he said quietly. "S'Chn T'Gai Spokh and Tanafau are here to see you. Spokh tells me - "  
  
"It is urgent," T'Pol whispered. "Please, show them in, _k'diwa_."  
  
The young man nodded and went to do so. After a minute the pair entered the room.  
  
"Forgive me for calling so late," Spock began, but T'Pol waved them both to seats. She was wearing a jumpsuit similar to the coverall she'd worn for decades at the clinic - comfortable, utilitarian, almost like a uniform.  
  
"I believe you and I have come to the same conclusion," she said without preamble. "That your time has come upon you, earlier than expected and under these unprecedented circumstances."  
  
"That is my theory," said Spock. "Can it be tested?"  
  
"Not by me," T'Pol replied. "The head of your clan has the sole right to judge whether you are in pon farr. As a healer, I can discern symptoms and make recommendations. But T'Pau is the one you must meld with, to be sure of it. Only she may descend into that part of your psyche."  
  
"Will you then meld with me?" asked Spock.  
  
T'Pol agreed and moved to the divan where he sat, laying her fingers on his psi points with practiced ease.  
  
"My mind to your mind..." Spock murmured.  
  
After several minutes she withdrew from his mind and looked at Tanafau.  
  
"You must prepare yourself," she said. "It may be only a matter of days, or hours. Will you stay with me, while Spock consults with T'Pau?"  
  
"Do you recommend that I go now, at this hour?" asked Spock, not bothering to hide his surprise.  
  
"There is no time to lose, Spock."  
  
Spock rose at once, took Tanafau's hand and gave it a squeeze, and quickly left. Tanafau turned to T'Pol.  
  
"What must I do?" she asked calmly.  
  
"You are a warrior," said T'Pol. "You are accustomed to preparing for many contingencies. Tell me of your sexual experience with Spock, please."  
  
Tanafau felt an odd sense that here was a woman who wouldn't ask out of mere curiosity.  
  
"You were a warrior, once," she said to the Vulcan. "I'm sure nothing I tell you will shock you."  
  
A ghost of a smile crossed T'Pol's face. "Even after all this time, it is possible. Proceed."

=-=-=-=  
  
Spock approached the sprawling stone mansion and paused to look up. He hadn't been here since he joined Starfleet; the only time he'd seen T'Pau during that time had been at the failed bonding, T'Pring's challenge nearly seven years ago. He did not know what to expect, so he dismissed speculation and went up to the man guarding the gate.  
  
"I wish to speak to T'Pau on an urgent matter," he said. "I am - "  
  
"I know who you are," said the guard, but without rancor. On the contrary, he made a bow as he opened the gate and added, "S'Chn T'Gai Spokh, I am honored to meet you at last."  
  
"May I know your name?" Spock asked, once again surprised. While he was not as reviled as some offworlders thought, he wasn't aware that his reputation preceded him so well.  
  
"S'Tho V'Nu Sorek," said the man. "I will take your request to T'Pau." He turned smartly and vanished down a dark corridor. Spock waited only minutes before the guard returned.  
  
"She will see you now," said Sorek. "I hope to speak with you on another occasion, Spock."  
  
"I hope so as well," Spock replied, and proceeded down the hall alone. The mansion was akin to a tropical villa on Earth, built from thick stone to keep the inside temperature more or less constant, doors opening onto long arched halls, which in turn wound through courtyards. T'Pau could afford to keep gardens, and she did, but they were modest, not ostentatious.  
  
Spock stopped before a large red door, across from a meditation garden designed around a sand pit; he knew T'Pau's symbol on the door, and he tapped on it and waited.  
  
"Come in, Spock," said the voice of an old woman.  
  
He approached the couch where T'Pau sat waiting for him, and bent his knee to her as she reached for his psi points.  
  
"You burn," she muttered. "From the poison, and from the _pon farr_. What have you done, Spokh?"  
  
Spock sat back on his heels. T'Pau was as tiny as he recalled, and as regal, and he felt as though he were an insect to be examined. This straying of his mind toward useless metaphor was becoming distracting, he thought, and answered, "I have been purged of the poison, Grandmother. And I have a bondmate. All is as it should be."  
  
The woman shook her head. "It is not. You have been rid of the poison, and the woman awaits you. But there is something you have not done, and it is almost too late."  
  
"Please, enlighten me."  
  
"You have not returned to the Vulcan way. You have delayed your healing in favor of indulging your curiosity."  
  
"I have not yet decided whether I will follow the Vulcan way in the future," said Spock calmly. T'Pau froze.  
  
"This is a dangerous path, Spock," she said softly. "And you have not much time to make your decision. Once you have entered the _pon farr_ , and you and your mate are bonded, you will have more than your own mind to consider." She gestured to the seat beside her and he rose to take his place.  
  
"Explain."  
  
"I have only knowledge of the _v'tosh ka'tur_ on this subject," T'Pau cautioned. "You are, as always, an unknown element, as is your mate. When a Vulcan mates with his own kind, as you have been instructed, his mind and that of his mate are joined; they may commune on the mental level more clearly than any meld. When Sarek mated with your mother, this also appeared to be the case; their bond was completed successfully - mainly, I am told, because as a psi-null, Amanda's mind was completely receptive to Sarek's."  
  
Spock had never given thought to his parents' bond, nor had he considered that it might be different for him than for any other Vulcan.  
  
"I see that I have failed to investigate the matter sufficiently," he said with chagrin. "Please continue."  
  
"You were not spared the _pon farr_ in your betrothal to T'Pring," his grandmother went on. "Thus we may conclude that your Vulcan biology has the ascendancy in some areas. Your mind has been damaged by the trellium, and you have not attempted to regain the disciplines of Surak, thus we may conclude that neurologically you are still unstable."  
  
"Do you believe that this affects telepathic ability as well?" asked Spock. She nodded.  
  
"Yes, and that is why your imminent bonding involves more hazard than you had anticipated. Without mental control, you could overwhelm the mind of your bondmate, and you would both end up insane. Tanafau is of a species related to ours, but Romulans are normally psi-null. I have no data as to whether her heritage will help or hinder the bonding process. Nor am I able to gauge how far your telepathic capability has been compromised. If there were more time, we would have more data, but I believe your time will come too soon for that."  
  
They sat in silence for some time.  
  
"I do not wish to endanger Tanafau, mentally or physically," said Spock at last. "And I do not believe enduring _pon farr_ with a woman who is not my bondmate would be safe for the woman, either."  
  
"I agree."  
  
"Have you any advice as to how I should proceed?" Spock asked.  
  
T'Pau studied him for a minute, then said, "None but to rely on the healer. If there is a way to bring your bonding about successfully, T'Pol will find it."  
  
"You have great faith in T'Pol," Spock noted.  
  
"She and I know each other well," said the old woman. "And she has loved a human, as does your father."  
  
The use of the word "love" was not lost on Spock. He bent his knee to his grandmother again, rose and saluted her. "Live long and prosper, Grandmother."  
  
"Peace and long life, Spock."  
  



	10. Chapter 10

Spock returned to Tanafau's home to find her making tea and preparing for bed.  
  
"I didn't know how long you'd be," she told him. "I'm sure we both have information to share - come sit down."  
  
They went into the bedroom and she sat cross-legged on the bed while Spock paced. He told her of his conversation with T'Pau.  
  
"I understand," said Tanafau. "I think T'Pol may already have an idea of how to go about this. Meanwhile, Spock, how do you feel?"  
  
"Specify."  
  
She smiled. Some things about him would never change - such as his way of expressing himself verbally.  
  
"Everyone else has been telling you about your 'condition' or your 'state'," she said. "I would like to hear your evaluation, if you don't mind."  
  
"Yet another reason for me to love you," he said, stopping in his meanderings. He tipped her chin up with his hand and kissed her softly, then sat on the floor by the bed while she stroked his hair.  
  
"On one level," he began, "I feel as I always have, that I am in possession of all my faculties, that none of my abilities are impaired. Not even my sense of logic. I don't believe T'Pau or my father understand that one can live with logic and not strictly by logic. Neither my judgment nor my perception has been compromised - not for some time now, although I am concerned about the apparent loss of some of my telepathic sensitivity."  
  
Tanafau stretched out to watch his face as he went on.  
  
"Physically, I feel quite well..." His voice trailed off and he looked up. "Although I admit to an unusual restlessness, a tendency to fidget, which I don't recall ever experiencing before. Not as an adult, at any rate. Unable to concentrate as well as I once did."  
  
Spock leaned his head on the bed and she heard him say in a subdued tone, "I understand now, why my prospects for returning to Starfleet depend upon my decision on returning to the Vulcan way. If I do not, I believe it will take many years for me to adapt to a life as an emotional being; I would have to resign my commission."  
  
Tanafau thought about that and felt a pang of sympathy. Her own actions had resulted in her removal from the Imperial Fleet; although she didn't regret them, there was still an emptiness that the satisfaction of command had once filled. Could Spock, having once risen in rank, esteem, and experience in Starfleet, relinquish that for an unknown future? Even if he were capable of doing so - would it be the right choice?  
  
She held her silence and tried to project calm through their increasingly unreliable bond. Spock's hand crept up to take hold of hers and she noticed his heart was beating faster than usual.  
  
"Spock - no matter what, we'll be together. Don't doubt that. I told you when we met - the second time! - that looking back is not my way."  
  
He rose to his knees and turned to face her. "I don't doubt it," he said softly. "That is the one thing that keeps me centered as I consider these options. Whatever road I choose, I will not travel without you."  
  
Tanafau drew him up onto the bed, into her arms.  
  
"Let me tell you what T'Pol said," she began. "She agrees that you might be entering the pon farr; her evaluation of your meld would support such a theory. If that is the case, she also believes that I am physically able to survive the experience, that you and I would both survive."  
  
"Physically."  
  
"Yes. Mentally - her theory is that without Vulcan discipline, which exists in one partner or the other during pon farr, your unstable mental state might prevent a successful bonding."  
  
"This was not an issue with my parents," Spock said, frowning, "even though only one was Vulcan, and his discipline was obviously inoperative."  
  
"I didn't know that," said Tanafau. "But T'Pol did say that combining the mental disturbances allowed by the loss of telepathic control with the biological imperatives of pon farr might be too much for either of our minds to handle."  
  
"I see. My father had only one kind of madness to deal with." He smiled briefly at her, to reassure her that he was joking, then went on, "Had she any suggestion as to how we should proceed?"  
  
"She has offered me her help, in the way of support - through a mind meld."  
  
"Between you and me?"  
  
"Between me and T'Pol."  
  
Spock sat up and stared. "Between the two of you? To what end?"  
  
"I haven't time to learn the kind of discipline needed to control the situation, mentally," said his beloved. "T'Pol has a lifetime of experience, and as a healer is well versed in assisting the minds of others."  
  
And, she did not say, she has a soft spot for mismatched lovers, although she would never admit it.  
  
"So does she propose to meld with you during the time of our mating?" Spock's eyebrows were buried in his black bangs. "I trust she does not need to be physically present, at least."  
  
Tanafau had a sudden vision of elderly T'Pol sitting in a corner drinking tea while she and Spock coupled furiously, and she burst out laughing. Spock grinned as well.  
  
"I assume you and I have a similar reaction to that prospect," he said. "Very well, tell me how this would be done."

=-=-=-=Tanafau stood out of sight, behind a stone wall, and heard Spock's footsteps on the sand. T'Pau awaited them both at the place of koon-ut-kal-i-fee; once Spock sounded the gong Tanafau would go to join him. T'Pol stood beside her, having established a link between them and explained how it would manifest itself.  
  
"I will not be linked to your thoughts," she had told Tanafau. "Your privacy is sacrosanct. However, I will be sensing the level of control you are able to maintain, and if it falters I will assist you mentally to restore it."  
  
"You won't be experiencing our emotions or - physical experience, either?" asked Tanafau, curious. T'Pol raised an eyebrow.  
  
"I am long inured to prurient curiosity," she said dryly. "It will not be necessary."  
  
Now Tanafau heard the gong and smoothed her hands down the sides of her gown. It was loose, in the old Earth empire style, and of a dark golden material that occasionally caught the rays of Vulcan's sun in its glittery folds. She glanced at T'Pol, who nodded, and emerged to take her place in the ceremony.  
  
Spock did not look well; she hadn't expected him to. At the first sign that his emotional control was really going, not just fluctuating, T'Pol had removed Tanafau to her own dwelling and prepared her for the ceremony and the meld. Sarek had taken charge of his son, not a moment too soon; his state moved rapidly into minimal lucidity, and only 24 hours later, here they were before T'Pau and witnesses.  
  
Tanafau faced Spock and uttered the ritual words.  
  
"Won't you want to incorporate something of your own tradition?" Amanda had asked days before. "I know I did, with T'Pau's advice. But humans are sentimental creatures, as any Vulcan will attest."  
  
Tanafau had smiled and replied, "I get the feeling that in the future Spock and I will be reinventing our own 'traditions'. But this one - you might be surprised at the similarities between the Romulan and Vulcan rituals, despite the lack of the biological imperative in my people."  
  
What she did not say was that, after her recent encounter with the Empire, she was inclined to deplore what it had become and to embrace the culture of her beloved all the more.  
  
Spock enunciated his part of the ritual, then went to pick up the mallet and walked over to the gong. He looked once at Tanafau, his eyes burning, and with something like triumph swung the mallet so hard that the gong sounded for an eternity. When at last the sound had died away, he came to stand before her again, not quite touching, trembling, and Tanafau said softly in Romulan, "Come, my lust devil. Come take my body for your own."  
  
"Hlai'vna," said Spock, and they turned as one, to walk side by side into the cave of his ancestors.  
  



	11. Chapter 11

Tanafau stood at the entrance to the cave, three days later, gazing in the direction of the rising sun. A light breeze lifted her hair from her shoulders and stirred the pale shift which was her only garment; she closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She hadn't seen the sun in three days, although at one point she and Spock had made love under the stars. That had been after the initial joining, a desperate, hungry coupling, not adversarial but rather a striving toward the same goal. She recalled a faint recognition of T'Pol's consciousness touching hers, then withdrawing almost entirely, only monitoring; yet, at the height of Tanafau's arousal and climax a vision had flashed across her mind, a memory of a handsome, well-built human male, fair where Spock was dark, naked, leaning down to her, and she thought she heard a woman's voice crying out in ecstasy, which served to shoot Tanafau over the edge of physical fulfillment, screaming the name of her own lover as they consummated their bond.  
  
She had not sensed T'Pol's presence since then, and as all seemed to be well she assumed it was no longer necessary.  
  
Tanafau's roving eyes caught a slight movement in the early morning landscape, a lone figure trudging up the path at the foot of the hills where the cave was situated. The figure wore a blue tunic and carried something like a case slung over its shoulder; she smiled in recognition and sent a thought to her bondmate.  
  
He is coming up the hill. I estimate he'll be here in ten minutes, perhaps fifteen.  
  
His presence is unwarranted. Even in his mind, Spock sounded grumpy, and Tanafau laughed out loud and turned to re-enter the cave.  
  
"Don't be selfish, love," she said aloud to her tall, disheveled, naked Vulcan. Spock had managed to find his robe and pulled it on over his head, emerging with a pointedly blank expression.  
  
"I fail to see how objecting to the interruption of our marital retreat could be considered selfish," he said with dignity.  
  
"The more civil you are, the shorter the interruption will be," she told him. "And then we may resume our connubial activities. You should be pleased that one of Starfleet's finest physicians is so concerned for your well-being."  
  
Spock, stroked her cheek with the back of his hand, and his expression did not change outwardly, but in his thoughts he was fond. I am grateful to him, he told her, but I would rather he did not know that.  
  
She laughed again and put her arms around his waist; he bent to kiss her, his hands sliding down to steal under the hem of her shift and caress her backside.  
  
Tanafau was just calculating whether they had time for something brief and satisfying when she heard Leonard McCoy's voice calling from outside.  
  
"Spock, Tanafau. You awake? You busy?"  
  
Spock reluctantly released his prey and shook out his robe, trying to conceal the impressive erection that had risen under it, and Tanafau grinned at him. You should be proud, she said in his mind.  
  
It is for you only, hlai'vna, he replied, almost reproachfully.  
  
"We are here, Doctor," Tanafau called, sitting on the sleeping pallet and tucking her shift demurely over her knees. Spock turned to face McCoy as the latter entered their part of the cave and paused.  
  
"Well," said McCoy after a minute of scrutiny, "you both look all right. Am I allowed to scan you, or there some Vulcan prohibition?"  
  
"Please, Doctor," said Spock. "Satisfy your curiosity, if you must."  
  
McCoy activated his tricorder and ran some scans, then grunted and switched it off. Coming to sit at the other end of the sleeping pallet, he said to Tanafau, "I take it things went well?"  
  
"They did. Don't your scans tell you that?"  
  
"I see remarkable progress in the healing of the cellular damage caused by the trellium," said McCoy, a bit cautiously. "And Spock's adrenaline and other hormone levels have returned to normal. If I didn't know better, I'd say he's close to full recovery."  
  
"And not only from trellium poisoning," Spock told him. "There were, as it turned out, other factors involved in my incapacitation."  
  
"So I gathered, when I contacted your parents," said McCoy dryly. "Isn't it a bit early for this - time of yours?"  
  
"The timing was altered by the effects of the trellium," Spock said. "It hastened the onset of the pon farr. I do not understand why I didn't think of it earlier."  
  
"You might have had other things on your mind," said McCoy, grinning, and Spock's eyebrow cocked in response. Tanafau had the feeling they were sharing an old joke.  
  
"Have you had a chance to speak to T'Pol?" asked Tanafau. McCoy shook his head.  
  
"Nope, but I have an appointment with her later today," he said. "Then I'm reporting back to the captain. I'm sure he'll want to speak to you himself at some point, Spock."  
  
"I expect to be incommunicado for several more days," said the Vulcan evenly. "I'm sure Jim will understand."  
  
"You have a point," said the doctor. "Spock, if I may ask - have you been working on Vulcan disciplines the last couple of weeks? Your affect is - I don't know, more calm, less mercurial than when I last saw you."  
  
"I have not, and that is an astute question, Doctor," said Spock. He folded his hands before him and paced, as though considering a problem. "For a time, I was undecided as to whether I would return to the Vulcan way of logic, or whether I could reconcile my reason and my emotions to work in harmony without allowing either to rule. The answer has become quite clear to me, however, over the last forty-eight hours."  
  
"How so, ashayam?" Tanafau asked. Spock paused to look down at her.  
  
"With your help and that of T'Pol, I have endured the fires of pon farr, fires that might have killed you, or both of us," he said softly. "In my madness the one coherent thought that recurred was that Surak's way *is* the way to harmonize logic and emotion. Where emotion runs deep, so must reason, more so in Vulcans than in humans. I sensed that, were the balance to tip toward emotion, if you will, the result could be devastating both to me and to those I love."  
  
"You said once that in order to be well, you had to master your anger," said McCoy. "Does the same apply to other kinds of passion?"  
  
Spock nodded. McCoy looked from him to his mate, who appeared at peace, and smiled.  
  
"Congratulations, then," he said.  
  
After the doctor had gone, Spock quickly discarded his robe and flung himself back down on the sleeping pallet. Tanafau smiled and joined him, sitting astride his thighs and taking hold of the still-hard organ that lay against his belly.  
  
"May we now resume connubial activities?" she purred. Spock reached for her but she evaded his grasp and slid further toward his feet.  
  
"No, you don't, h'levreinnye," she admonished. "I haven't had breakfast yet," and as she lowered her head to taste him he let his head fall back and closed his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> ashayam = Vulcan, "beloved"  
> h'levreinnye = Romulan, "lust devil"  
> khreriov = Romulan, "commander"


End file.
